Sunday, January 25, 2009

im not sure if im getting what im not sure i want

Confused? Good, 'cuz I am too. I really and truly thought Chamzzz would be out of my life; who was I kidding?
There are times when I'm sure I'm ready to let him go:: even though he was never truly in my grip. But there are other times when I... When I feel like forgetting about Howard so I can stay in New York with him. YES! It's THAT serious.
I really really wish I could be sure about what we are... Or aren't.
He cut his hair off... Made him even better looking... Didn't help me let him go.
Got locked up for a night... Made me want to be his savior. [Stupid female intuition to save males]
Has a little BABY GIRL! Annoyed me, until I saw how much he cared about lil miss Laila and I fell even deeper.

No matter how tough he acts I know that he's a little softie inside and he let me in on that side once and it was so... Interesting.

Idk if I can deal with the uncertainty of a bad-ass "boyfriend" though. Can't really call him that but hey w/e.

I'm gonna figure this out. By tuesday I should have made up my mind, if not, I give up.

BTW howard was AWESOME!

Saturday, January 17, 2009

"cool" crowd.

As I sit at home waiting for time to pass, I begin to think.
Thinking about myself, that is. 
Vane? maybe, Conceit? possibly, self-centered? who cares?

I looked back at my life; the past threeandahalf years in particular and realized something incredible.
I was NEVER a part of the "cool" crowd.

As far as Bronx science goes, its extremely hard to decipher which of the 1,273 crowds is THE cool crowd. 
Depending on who you ask, you are liable to get 1,479 answers. 
But what I have noticed is that within those 1,587 crowds there are like a google of sub crowds; or cliques if you will.

I used to believe that the clique I am supposedly apart of was one of the cooler cliques for reasons that are far too elaborate for this blog. 

Unfortunately, I am beginning to notice that my clique isn't cool because of our personality, swag, or finesse, we are "cool" because we are feared.

How did I come up with this? let's take a walk down memory lane.
In middle school, I was cool with the cool crowd but  kept my distance because of their drama. The cool crowd wasn't as much feared as they were admired and loved. They had the cool clothes, the cool friends, and the cool life. They were happy, funny people that could sh*t on you and still make you laugh.[in MY opinion] 

In High school, I am down with the cool clique in my crowd, but as I ventured out of the crowd and met people from other crowds, I noticed I was feared. People that I formally met for the first time would say "Wow I thought you were so mean" or "Omg you are so nice, idk why I thought you would beat me up"

...WHAT?

With those somewhat painful statements, I decided to change my life, as far as friends were concerned. I broadened my horizons and made it my mission to make new friends so that people could get to know the REAL me. 

In my opinion, my clique is "cool" for intimidation, not for personality. SO NOT COOL.

And honestly, I never did feel like I was truly a part of my clique. I  sometimes felt like a visitor or an outsider looking in. My personality allows me to mask these feelings but I knew all along that things would change, and when they did, they would be drastic. 

These changes are fast approaching like the 6 train and have NO MERCY. When they get here, brace yourself, it is bound to be a packed train, letting a lot of people off but only having room for a few to get on. Next Stop: New Life.

BTW: HOWARD WEEKEND!!



Saturday, January 10, 2009

never reminisce.

every now and a again i go through the archive of my high school experience aka my facebook photos.
they are a nice/funny/sad/why? reminder of how much fun i've had these past 3andahalf years.

this time was different though.
i REALLY looked at certain photographs today;; as if i had Stassi's specs on [=D]

here are some of my faves for no particular reason besides them being cool-looking:::
the problem with reminiscing is when you come across pics such as
or this

these kinds of pics[pics with exes] are awful because they show the good times and not the cry-your-eyes-out times. not that i cried my eyes out.

if you're anything like me, you start thinking about what was happening when that photo was taken and how you felt then.
those ugly thoughts then lead to other fun, not-photographed fun times. And those nasty thoughts then lead to "I don't even think we really needed to break up" or "I really miss him"

REPULSIVE.

Then you start to think about why you broke up/ why things changed.
You then go to the facebook page of the main reason to make sure they aren't having fun [aka no fun photos]

If they are having fun, or worse, if they have fun wall posts from your ex, OR even worse, if they are having fun WITH your ex, your blood boils.

If they aren't having fun, you feel satisfied and may think something along the lines of "That's what you get bxtch"

then there are pics like





that make you extremely happy that you have the friends you do.
but you don't need to reminisce about that because you always have those cool cats around.

all-in-all; don't reminisce, leave old photos in the past and focus on taking new ones that you can look back on in two weeks and say "Gosh, I miss him"

Thursday, January 1, 2009

she.wants.to.lead.the.[GLAMOROUS].life.

Currently listening to "Glamorous  Life" by Eden's.Crush. which happens to be one of my favorite songs.

I know all the lyrics but this is the first time I ever [listened] to the song.

"Boys with small talk, and small minds, really don't impress me in bed" <3
Ain't it the truth?

I must say that even though I think some of the lyrics are too clever for this decade, [probably because they aren't from this decade] the overall message of the song doesn't appeal to me at all.

It basically says that a girl that wants a glamorous life can never enjoy it without someone to love and share it with.
Ummm;; maybe when you're thirty.

Some lyrics that bugged me:
"She said I need a man's man baby, diamonds and pearls
Love will only conquer my head"
I know that material possessions aren't everything but what is wrong with a girl that knows what she wants? 
Of course the 3 S's are necessary [sexy, sensitive, stupid] but what's wrong with adding a fourth [stacked]?


"She's got big thoughts, big dreams, and a big brown mercedes sedan
All I think this girl, all she really wants, is to be in love with a man."
If she's happy with her material ish why does she need a man to share it with?

It is just a song; but music is an expression on society's psyche put to a catchy tune.
Do we honestly think that love is the answer to every question, the solution to every problem, and the cosine of every angle? 
What a cliche, 1950's thought.

Love is like authentic Italian pasta. Hard to find, Great to have, Makes you sick after a while.

I might be a cynic, a pessimist or a prophet; but honestly "love," w/e that is, is unsightly and annoying; at least to this 17 year old girl with a grudge and a frappucino. 

To all those in love, hit me up, leave a comment, send a telegram/smoke signal, just let me know  what love is and why you choose to torture yourself.

on a lighter, happier note; let the HU:2013 countdown begin 8 months and a couple weeks [that will be more precise when i figure out when I'm moving in lol]

oops i almost forgot... have a happy healthy and super fun 2009.